Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Are you okay?

If you have to ask, then the answer is no.

Why, by the Light, do I put so much pressure on myself to do the right thing. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I know if I talk about it, we'll end up arguing about it, which means nothing will be done about it. I'm feeling used and abused. Things were going great. Better than great. I should have known it would rear its ugly head and make itself known to the world again. By not talking about it, I can only hope it will go away, that things will work themselves out again. I really don't want to go back to where I was all that time ago. It sucked, it blew, it was a serious ratfuck. I can't help it that I have unnatural desires. I've done my best to ask God for forgiveness but he continues to test me. Maybe I should stop praying to him and pray to Jesus instead. I tried and it didn't' work. Maybe Buddha will answer my calls. The Wheel weave as the Wheel wills. And I can't get my little thread to move beyond an average person. In fact, I've decided that's my curse in life. Some people can be average and get along fine in the world. They make little ripples in the Weave but nothing major. Me, I'm not average, I'm terribly average. Which means this ratfuck of a life doesn't make so much as a ripple when a damn elephant sits on me. My little thread is nothing more than a speck of dust on the tiniest flea on some horses ass. I've also figured out that the time of the Devil is not midnight, or even 1 am (as the 13th hour). No it's 11:34 at night. Why? Because that's when all the crap from the day decides to hit you so damn hard you end up trying to cry yourself to sleep. And when that doesn't work, you end up going tot he living room to read for so damn long your eyes have no choice but to fall like leaden weights as soon as you hit the bed. Nightmares don't matter at 11:34, because when you turn it upside down, you get the word HELL. And that's what it is, Hell. The beauty is asleep and the beast is stirring. No wonder they cancelled that show. It never could have worked between them. Well, fuck the critics, I want this to work. I've put so much of my soul into this, it has to work. I'm not bloody giving up on this freak show just yet. It has to end happily ever after. Maybe I am like an onion with so damn many layers and a bit of an ogre like Shrek, but who the frak cares. I just want it. And I don't want to be used. Christ, will this ever end? Buddha, do you have any words of wisdom? What about the flaming Light? Blood and ashes, I'm sick of this crap. No I'm not okay, and no I don't want to talk about it. Leave me the fuck alone before I ball my eyes out like a little girl and get so damn pissed off I can't see straight. If you have any questions, go call somebody who cares.

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