Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Short Shorts and Short Sleeves

Just a quickie this morning. Wanted to pull something in the area of 5 miles but I was a bit chilly. Turns out I misjudged the temperature and everything from the waist down just wouldn't warm up. So I wimped out and turned around and did only 2 miles.

Temps were 40F to 45F. Slightly humid do to yesterday's rain. Sun was out but very low in the sky. No wind.

Fluids and Fuel:
Pre-run was yogurt and water. During the run was most of a bottle of Hammer Fizz. Recovery was Hammer Soy and an iced latte.

Aches and Pains:
None really. Felt nice and fluid in my stride, almost like I was at home running the trails.

Nothing fancy. Wore my shorts, thermal top, long sleeve shirt, hat, and gloves.

Codename - Short Shorts
Wearing just my shorts wasn't enough. So I had to turn tail and run back to my car before something important fell off. And of course as I got back to my car it was starting to warm up but by then I had already made up my mind to quit.

Mile 1 - 12:49
Mile 2 - 13:13
Finish - 26:03

Felt way better going out a second time today. This morning's run wasn't that much fun because I was freezing tidbits off. Thankfully things were much warmer the second time around and I was able to keep that sensation of being fluid. Slow, but fluid. Kind of like maple syrup, just not quite as sweet as you think.

Temps were about 55F. Humidity was bearable but noticeable. No wind. Sun was out in full.

Fluids and Fuel:
During the run I had a bottle of plain water. Recovery was Hammer Recoverite followed by lunch.

Aches and Pains:
None really. My shoulder has been hurting but it doesn't seem to impact my running.

Same things as this morning except I wore road shoes and ditched the thermal top and winter hat. Still wore gloves since my hands were cold and also wore a regular hat.

Codename - Short Sleeves
Really should have gone with short sleeves but I didn't feel like getting another shirt dirty when I didn't have to. So I went with the long sleeves from this morning and just pushed them up.

Outbound - 16:08
Inbound - 16:59
Finish - 33:07

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Death is in the Air

Since I was a lazy bum this morning and ran errands instead of running, I opted for a lunch-time run. Turns out I timed it pretty darn good since the weather warmed up a tad and the rain/freezing rain had stopped. I still felt like hell when I went out to run but I'm happy that I didn't wimp out and only do 2 miles. I hung in there to do 4 miles. I know, big stuff, right? Anyway, while it was a mental victory of sorts, I think I may have lost the physical battle. Yet again I'm battled some sort of crud. Boo.

Temps were around 40F. Wind was moderate at about 10 mph. Sun was here and there but was mostly cloudy. Slightly humid from this morning's rain and freezing rain.

Fluids and Fuel:
Breakfast was yogurt, an iced latte, and a burrito. Took a Hammer Gel as I walked out the door. Drank a bottle of plain water during the run. Recovery was leftover egg noodles and pork chop.

Aches and Pains:
My stride felt all sorts of wonky. Felt like I was Phoebe from Friends running. Which means my shins hurt a bit and my shoes felt funny. Aside from that, the only thing that really hurt was breathing. You know, that crud does wonders for your respiration. Gah.

Wore thermal shirt with wind breaker over it. Wore regular hat with headband to cover my ears. Wore mittens over my gloves (but ditched one of the mittens to get some dexterity). Wore T-Star shorts under my pants. Also took along my voice recorder and my GoPro.

Codename - Death is in the Air
Was eerily followed by some turkey vultures for the first half of the run. They'd be in fields on either side of me dining on something then fly away when I got close. Only a bit creepy until I got to the turn around point and saw a funeral procession go by which made it even more creepy.

Outbound - 23:20
Inbound - 22:06
Finish - 45:27

Monday, January 28, 2013

Podcast - Mile 53 - Into the Wild Review

While I had planned to run and record this particular episode, some things conspired against me and I had to cut my first take short and start from scratch. It's rare that I do that but sometimes I need to keep the real world out of certain aspects of my life. Anyway, I ramble on about yet another book I just finished, this time Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer.

Despite how poorly I podcast my review, please check out the book (if you haven't already). It's depressing but educational and entertaining.

You can lose yourself in this episode on Podbean or download the whole bus here.

[edited to correct direct download link]

Friday, January 25, 2013

Holy Balls Batman

My plan was to go out for a nut sack run but I ended up pulling a Lance and only doing one nut. Before you snarf your coffee, let me explain. There's a trail that I usually run as a lollipop but there's two lollipops to choose from. Today I wanted to do both of them but instead of running all the way to the end of the "stick," I just wanted to run both "pop" parts and the "stick" part once. Well, may not make sense to you but it makes sense to me.

Well, turns out my plans didn't work. The snow on the trail totally kicked my ass. Actually, it kicked me in the balls then kicked my ass. Thus, my title for today's run. I wore my snow cleats again (brand name is Snowtrax) and they sucked pretty bad. Well, not pretty bad, but badly enough that I ditched them near the end of the run and just ran normally. I also think they may be part of the reason my ass cheeks are hurting. My glutes do not like the snow.

So, let's see, ass cheeks, nuts, what's left? Oh yeah, crabs. My son always wants me to look for sea shells on the shore when I run at the park but I rarely do because I don't want to bring the smelly things home. Well, today, I saw a crab. Frozen. Not sure if I felt sorry for him for freezing of happy for him escaping the steamer.

Temps were 20F to 25F. Wind was light. Sun was out but mostly blocked by haze. About an inch or two of snow on the ground.

Fluids and Fuel:
Pre-run was just a glass of water. During the run I had a bottle of Hammer Fizz and some water from my hydration pack. Also took a Hammer Gel around the halfway point. Recovery was a burrito, hash browns, and iced latte.

Aches and Pains:
My snow cleats felt a little funny but they didn't hurt. My ass cheeks (my glutes) did hurt after a mile or two. They hurt a bit after yesterday's run in the snow too but not much. Beyond that, nothing really hurt.

Wore shorts, pants, and my North Face pants again. Wore gaiters and snow cleats. Wore gloves, hat, and neck gaiter. Wore thermal shirt, long sleeve shirt, and a wind breaker.

Codename - Holy Balls Batman
The snow was light and powdery but it kicked my ass today. I stumbled all over the place because I couldn't see where I was going. Rocks, roots, and soft leaves were hiding for me under every step. Never knew what was going to happen!

To hell with splits today. It was slow as shit. Mostly because I took a really long break to write my name in the snow, text my wife, and eat a Hammer Gel.
Finish - 1:00:00

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Edge

Was rudely woken up by a phone call this morning. School was closed. It was closed yesterday due to a power outage. Today was due to snow. Snow? Snow way! Way! My wife got out of bed and looked outside. Snow! 4 inches! Snow way I thought. 4 inches? They were calling for a dusting at most. Turns out, weathermen are just guessing the weather and only speak in generalities.

Anyway, I promptly turned off my alarm and went back to bed. I tried to go back to bed yesterday but everyone came back home when they discovered the lack of power. And even though I tried to go back to sleep this morning, I wasn't very successful. I was too excited by the prospect of running in the snow as well as using my tractor to clear the driveway. Turns out the driveway only had an inch or two so I just shoveled it. I cleaned off our cars then shoveled my neighbor's driveway then cleaned off her cars.

Once my warm-up was done, I went out for my run. I had planned to do 5 miles but it quickly turned into 1 mile since my fingers were frozen thanks to wet gloves. And I had  malfunctioning snow-cleat thingies. Once I got back home, I realized I put them on backwards so I went back out for another mile just to test them. They worked fine once I installed them correctly. Although the heel cleats did gather some snow/ice/slush and I had to kick it off a bit. Outside of that, they worked and felt fine. No, they aren't YakTrax but look a lot like them. Just a hell of a lot cheaper.

I also learned that I need to jump off the road as soon as I hear a car coming. I played it safer than normal by jumping the ditch when a car came but I misjudged a berm and slipped and fell when I waited too long for one of them. Oh well, lesson learned. I also discovered that my Lone Peaks do not have traction on ice but work great in snow and slush. My cleats worked great under all conditions but did slide a bit in the grass when there was an angle.

How the road looked today.

Like a dumbass, I put my snow-cleats on backwards. Can you tell I live in the South?

Damn. I think I blinked. But at least I smiled!

Temps were about 25F. Wind was about 20 mph. Sun came and went. Snow fell and stopped but there was plenty blowing off the trees too.

Fluids and Fuel:
Pre-run meal was a burrito, iced coffee, one egg, and yogurt. During the run I had a bottle of Hammer Fizz and a small flask of Hammer Perpeteum. Recovery was Hammer Soy.

Aches and Pains:
My pride was hurt a bit when I slipped and fell in the ditch. I'm sure the redneck that passed me had a great chuckle.

Wore my snow cleats. Wore T-Star shorts, tights, and pants. Wore two hats (one to cover my face) and gloves. Wore thermal shirt, long sleeve shirt, and my Brooks wind breaker.

Codename - The Edge
Thanks to Lauren, I was reminded to run on the edges of the snow pack, not down the middle. I didn't slip on the road but I could feel the ice under certain sections. The crunchy stuff is what you need to aim for. Oh, I also learned that running in the snow is slower than running on the trail.

Mile 1 - 14:38
Mile 2 - 12:52
Finish - 27:30


Time and distance are approximate but close enough. Went out in this ungodly cold weather to freeze my kibbles and bits and it turns out my cheeks and nose were the cold body parts. Thanks to a tip I read online, I was reminded that my summer shorts work great for adding another layer to keep my manhood warm while still providing some airflow to keep my legs cool. Lesson learned. Layers work.

Anyway, I was all alone out there today and was reminded, gently, that I really need to start letting people know where the hell I'm going to go for a run. And when I'll be back. It's not like I think I'm invincible, I just don't feel like bothering people with boring crap like "I'm going to run here" and "I'm done running." But, seeing all those pointy roots and rocks in below freezing weather reminds me that one tiny slip can send me into a world of hurt. One of these days I'll grow a brain stem.

If you look closely at the driftwood in the water, there's ice on it.

Temps were about 25F. It may have warmed to 30F but I doubt it. Winds were a steady 15 to 20 mph with gusts up to 30 mph. The sun was out but you felt no heat from it.

Fluids and Fuel:
Pre-run fuel was yogurt, oatmeal, and half an iced coffee for breakfast. That was followed by a 40 minute nap. During the run I had just a bottle of plain water. After the run I skimped on the recovery until I got home where I had leftover orzo salad, vegan chili, two slices of pizza, and an iced latte.

Aches and Pains:
My cheeks and the area right under my nose was freezing by the time I finished. I didn't realize how cold it was until I started to warm up and those areas began to hurt. Not a good sign. But nothing fell off so I guess I'll survive.

Wore RUEZ underwear, tights, and shorts over that. Wore a thermal shirt, short-sleeve shirt, and my Brooks windbreaker. Wore gloves, hat, and neck gaiter (which eventually became a second hat). Wore my new Altra Superior shoes (nicknamed BOOGER).

Codename - Booger
I have so damn many shoes, it's hard to keep them all straight on DailyMile. I halfheartedly gave nicknames to my first pair of Altras (my silver Instincts were Spaceman Spiff shoes) and another pair (my black Instincts were Vader Haters). But I never put much heart into it. Until my latest batch came through when I decided my green Superiors would be formally known as BOOGER. My new Instincts will be SILVER STREAK. Makes it so much easier to keep track of that way.

I'm not bothering with them. But I did try very hard to run UP the hills I ran today. It felt like I was flying up them despite being slow as fuck.
Finish - 52:15

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Podcast - Mile 52 - Weather Bitch

I know there's nothing I can do to change the weather but it still helps to bitch about it every now and then. I also complain about work a bit but nothing too detailed. Just the same old complaints that have been made before by countless other employees at jobs around the world. And with that, I leave you to contemplate the winds that sway the trees outside your window and the hot gases that escape my mouth.

You can see the winds blowing on Podbean or download some gases directly.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Trail Tail

Leave it to Biddi to talk me into a long run today. I'm not sure if I should thank her or curse her. For now, I'll settle on thanking her. She was doing 16 miles but I committed to a minimum of 8 with a chance for 12. While I ended up going over 12, it wasn't all with her.

I started at Mile 4 on the trail and since she wasn't there, I ran down to meet her. Turns out I ran to Mile 3 and saw her. Perfect timing for my OCD needs to keep my mileage splits even. From there we headed down to Mile 8 and went a tad further to reach the road. Then we turned around and ran back to Mile 4 on the trail where I had parked and I agreed to go one additional mile with her before turning around. That left her to run the final three by herself (which she survived) and left me one mile to walk back to my car.

Along the way I saw a couple walking before I met then we saw two other runners out on the trail. Aside from that the run was pretty tame. We had some talkative moments and some silent moments. We kept a pretty good pace of 5 minutes running and 2 minutes walking. That left us with roughly 12:45 minute miles with a few that were a tad longer because of equipment breaks and the gun range bypass.

Temps started out around 35F and finished around 55F. Sun was out in full. Wind was moderate at about 20 mph.

Fluids and Fuel:
Breakfast was two apple turnovers and an iced coffee. During the run I had most of the water in my hydration pack, a bottle of Hammer Fizz, and a mini-flask of Hammer Perpeteum. For the final two miles I had just a bottle of Hammer Fizz. Recovery was Hammer Recoverite followed by a salad, jalapeno poppers, and an iced latte.

Aches and Pains:
My ass hurt. Specifically my ass hole. I swear it feels like I got fucked in the ass last night but I'm pretty sure I didn't. I mean, I didn't even have anything to drink. My right foot also hurt a bit but nothing specific. I started cramping up a bit in the the last few miles but I know that was from lack of electrolytes. I also had some chafing in an uncomfortable spot for the last mile. No idea how that happened.

Wore thermal shirt, long sleeve shirt (that came off at the halfway point), and vest. Wore my Salomon hydration pack. Wore shorts, pants, and gaiters. Wore gloves and a hat (that came off after a few miles).

Codename - Trail Tail
Some spouses don't understand that a running partner isn't a sexual partner. Yes, there may be some sort of emotional or psychological bond between running partners, but that doesn't mean they're sexually attracted to each other. So while I enjoy getting hot and sweaty with Tab in the woods, we keep our clothes on while we do it. Wait, that last part didn't sound right.....

Mile 1 - 13:00
Mile 2 - 12:44
Mile 3 - 12:43
Mile 4 - 12:31
Mile 5 - 14:48 (gun range bypass)
Mile 6 - 14:20 (equipment check)
Mile 7 - 12:42
Mile 8 - 15:50 (gun range bypass)
Mile 9 - 12:44
Mile 10 - 14:38 (equipment change)
Mile 11 - 12:01
Mile 12 - 18:25 (my fat ass walk back to the car)
Finish - 2:49:48

Friday, January 18, 2013

Speed I Am Not

Just a short run this morning since my time was cut short by a co-worker. In other words I had to take one for the team. That's okay though, I'm leaving early this afternoon. Saw another trail user out this morning which was rare but thankfully she was only getting her walk on and not getting her shag on.

Temps were right around the freezing point but I'd guess they got up to about 35F by the end since the sun was coming up. There were a few clouds but nothing too major. There was also a steady breeze of about 10 mph.

Fluids and Fuel:
Pre-run meal was yogurt and water. During the run I had about half a bottle of water. Recovery was iced latte and a breakfast burrito.

Aches and Pains:
My right foot was tender for some reason. In the area between the ball of your foot and your pinky toe. Not sure why it was tender but it was. By the end of the run I didn't really notice it.

Took my voice recorder so I could lay some tracks. Wore RUEZ undies under my tights. Wore thermal shirt under a t-shirt with a wind breaker on top. Wore winter hat and gloves.

Codename - Speed I Am Not
I am by no means Lightening McQueen folks. That should be obvious to everyone by now. What's shocking is that I want to break the 30 minute mark for a 5k this year. Yeah. Crazy.

Mile 1 - 11:29
Mile 2 - 12:03
Finish - 23:32

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Sexy Scumbags

I know it was a slow run but I spent some time clearing the larger branches from the trail as well as taking photos. And I even stopped to do some tame bushwhacking to go look at a beaver dam. Dam was it a big dam. At the turn around point I did a bit more bushwhacking down a very slippery slope and saw an even bigger dam. Crazy animals.

Anyway, as a whole, the run was uneventful as usual however the beaver activity made it pretty exciting. Not to mention the signs of increased sexual activity. Really pisses me off that people are using the trail for that.

Temps were about 37F. Light rain was falling. Overcast skies. Very light breeze.

Fluids and Fuel:
Pre-run meal was yogurt and iced coffee. During the run I had a bottle of Hammer Fizz and half a bottle of plain water. Recovery was breakfast burrito, iced latte, and toast.

Aches and Pains:
None. Although I did take a branch to the eyes it was small enough to not scratch me.

Wore my Brooks rain jacket, long sleeve shirt, and thermal shirt. Wore shorts with pants. Wore gaiters, hat, and gloves. Also took my GoPro for pictures.

Codename - Sexy Scumbags
I have no issue with people getting it on. And while I may not go ape shit over it happening on my trail, what really grinds my gears is the trash they leave behind. I mean, be a man and clean up after yourself. I'm glad you're practicing safe sex and all but it's not good for the environment to leave that shit on the ground.

Mile 1 - 12:52
Mile 2 - 17:01
Mile 3 - 15:56
Mile 4 - 12:22
Finish - 58:13

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Sex and Sinuses

A Comparison of Anal Sex and Nasal Irrigation

Caution: You read that right folks. Anal sex. Nasal irrigation. Lube. Snot. And more. If any of these things upset you or offend you, then you best leave now. I know I tend to post using some adult language and whatnot but today's post will go a bit beyond that.

My posts and workouts have been light over the past week due to yet another sinus infection. I get them on a semi-regular basis so I wasn't surprised when one flared up yet again last week. I fought through the first day when the symptoms weren't that bad. Usually in the first day or two I can fight the symptoms well enough to fend off a raging infection. I learned from a trip to an urgent care doctor awhile ago to use an NSAID to reduce inflammation, a nasal spray to clear things up, and to avoid dairy to reduce mucus generation. Since I've learned that, I've been able to keep a good 70% of my infections at bay. It may prolong the sinus blockages a few days but generally speaking it prevents most infections from grabbing hold of my sinuses.

Despite this great trick at early treatment and prevention, I still get a nice infection every now and then that just won't go away. That's how this one manifested and I was lucky enough to have some spare antibiotics on hand to treat the infection. Taking the antibiotics would treat the infection but I was still struggling to breath through my nose. Which meant I wasn't sleeping well. So after suffering through a few days of work, I decided to try out nasal irrigation.

I have considered nasal irrigation in the past by looking into Neti pots. Once I learned that you were literally giving yourself an enema of the face, I decided I wasn't too keen on having warm water go into my nose and snot come out of my mouth. Turns out I knew enough to scare me away but not enough to know how it actually works. When I did more research last week, I discovered I was wrong. Just like a virgin, I had no clue what was involved. Turns out the water goes in one nostril (that part I had right) and comes out the other nostril (I have no idea why I though it came out my mouth).

So Friday, again like a virgin, I stopped at the local drug store and purchased supplies. Unlike anal sex though, I didn't feel any shame in buying a sexy-time card for my wife and a nasal irrigation kit. I'm not sure if those months of therapy have helped, if the running has boosted my confidence, or if nose enemas are less taboo than enemas for your ass.

Saturday morning came about and I had yet another night of very little sleep. My antibiotics were kicking in and I felt better but still so clogged up that I felt like I'd never breath through my nose again. So I stepped into the bathroom and prepared myself. Little did I know that the adventure I was about to embark upon would lead me to not only clear sinuses but also a clear correlation between anal sex and sinus enemas.

Let me pause right here to set some boundaries. I know family reads this blog that that's fine. I wouldn't post this out here if I didn't want people to read it. And while I have pushed the envelope in the past and even crossed it a few times, I want to make it clear to those of you that have read this far that I will not be talking about my sex life. There are a few things that I refuse to speak about publicly and that's one of them. So from here on out, let's just assume I'm talking about anal sex in general. I may make references to giving or getting said sex but it's in a vague, third person way that I'm getting my point across. I'm not implying in any direction that what I'm talking about here involves myself or my wife. Hope that's clear enough.

Now, back to the bathroom. Like anal sex, I secluded myself in the bathroom and started preparing my tools. I had no idea what I was in for so I tried to take my time and lay things out. The last thing I wanted to do was have a mishap and come running out of the shower screaming for help. I opted for the first sinus flush to be in the shower because I didn't know how messy it would be. After I finished, I had visions of the anal sex scene from Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

Like I said before, little did I know what I was in for. So, once I got the little bottle thingie unboxed and my shower started, I again laid things out in the shower. For those curious for the specifics, I used a NeilMed SinuFlo ReadyRinse bottle. It has 8 ounces of fluid premixed in there and came with two little packets for the next round of flushing. On a side note, I picked the NeilMed bottle because it has my name in it. I mean, can't go wrong with that, right!

With butterflies in my stomach, I began to embark upon my first nasal experience. As I would expect an anal virgin to react, I totally tensed up and held my breath waiting for the unpleasant experience to begin. I put the massive black tip up to my tiny nostril and gently squeezed. Nothing came out. At first. Then it was a like I shoved a fire hose up my nose and turn it on full blast. Oh god the pain! I immediately stopped and caught my breath. The saline solution burned the fuck out of my nose and I knew I wasn't even close to doing it right. Nothing came out of my other nostril so I knew I was in for more pain and suffering. Even though I was ultimately hoping for relief.

As I wound up for the second attempt at nasal entry, I tried to relax a bit and even managed to remember to bend over a bit and tip my head. This was about the time I thought of the anal sex analogies. From here on out, they just kept rolling through my head. I never thought flushing my sinus cavities out would make me think I was fucking myself in the nose hole with a giant dildo squirting a salty solution. Oh yeah baby, let's dive in for more.

So as I bent over to take another shot, I also remembered the warning on the bottle to squeeze gently. So with an only slightly better technique, I managed to squirt more inside my nose. Just as I was about to scream in pain and stop, a dribble of solution came out my other side. I tried to hold it as long as I could but only managed another second or two before stopping. If you've ever gotten water in your nose from swimming at the pool, you know that chlorine burns. Same goes for beach swimmers, salt burns. Well, this hurt worse. When you go swimming, you don't set out to deliberately cram water in your nose. It happens by accident, you splutter for air, you blow the water out of your nose, and you continue with swimming. This hurts worse because it's self-inflicted up-your-nose-with-a-rubber-hose kind of treatment. Thankfully it wasn't up-your-butt-with-a-rubber-nut treatment.

I thought my painful first experience was over. I knew in the back of my mind I'd need to repeat the process on the other side but I had that painful, first time, cherry popped. And then I blew my nose. Oh the agony. Is this what it's like when you fart or shit after anal sex? Holy fuck blowing my nose hurt. And then the real shit hit the fan. The first few blows were clear mucus. Then the snot came. That yellow, green, junky crap that you spend all day blowing out into tissues while your nose turns red. Then came the mother-load. I'm talking the deep yellow, dark green shit that lodges in the deep recesses of your sinuses and shifts from side to side when you roll over in bed at night. I swear to you I gave birth to an alien baby right there in the shower. I damn near shit myself at how repulsive it was. I quickly washed it down the drain and hoped it didn't back the plumbing up.

After some more nasal clearing, I was able to catch my breath and begin prepping for the other side. Why do people call it nasal clearing? I guess to be polite when you really want to say you're blowing your nose. Anyway, I had so damn many nose blows in there I thought my wife would come check on me. Thankfully she didn't and I was able to get back to business. It was time to make it rain on the other side now. I again practiced a better technique and position and gently squeezed some salty goodness into the left side of my nose. Thankfully it came out the other side much quicker and I was able to blow my nose yet again. All the time being thankful we don't have two assholes to get fucked in because holy shit, one has got to be enough.

Once both nose holes had been cleared for the first time, I began to feel the burn. That salty mix started to react with the steam and heat and like a chemical reaction inside my head, I began to burn from the inside out. It was like adding salt to Dr. Pepper or Mentos to Diet Coke. Things didn't fizz inside but I knew this lingering burn would reside deep inside my nasal passages for the rest of the day. I'd end up walking around town with a funny look on my face knowing that I just did the nasty in the shower that morning and nobody knew. At least I wasn't walking funny or sitting gingerly.

As I collected myself and worked at getting my heart rate down, I glanced at the bottle. I was in shock to see that I had used barely an ounce of the fluid. Barely an once. And there were eight full ounces of this stuff to pump through my nose. So, I dived in and tried to make good on my promise to at least try it. I wanted to give it a good try before I said yes or no to continuing further. I knew I could block the pain and just focus on the ability to breath when I was done. I knew this would be good for me in the end but I just had to work through the rough start. So I squeezed again. And again. And again on the other side.

I was finally left spent, shaking, and out of breath on the shower floor. I couldn't take anymore up my nose. I was done for the day. I cleaned myself up, turned the water down a bit since I was sweating, and began to clean my bottle. I had used two ounces. Out of eight. I knew I could handle more but I knew I needed to get things stretched out a bit and used to the burn before I could step things up a level. It was then that I knew I'd want more. You see, an amazing thing happened. I could breath. Sure, it smelled a bit like the ocean and felt like I snorted salt. Shockingly, I've actually snorted salt (and pepper) before. So yes, I know what that's like and yes, that's what it felt like. The bottom line though was I could breath. Clearly. Unobstructed. Like the scene above, I was cleaned out.

Since I was clean on the inside, I cleaned myself on the outside. I didn't want any mucus to hang around and contaminate things later in the day. Nor did I want any of that salty solution to hang around and make my hands smell like I did the naughty in the shower. After showering and getting dressed, I felt much better. Like taking a huge dump, I felt like I lost ten pounds. I felt refreshed. I could still feel the burn a bit at certain points during the day but I was glad I was able to give my first time a solid attempt. And I was surprised that I was willing to try it again.

Which brings me to the following morning where I'm again in the shower getting geared up to shoot a load into my nose. Like yesterday there was pain involved but I knew what to expect and was better able to handle it. While I wasn't a porn-star pro at taking it in the nose, I at least felt more comfortable in the process. Things felt easier and both my mind and body were better prepared for the experience. I won't say I enjoyed it but I hated it a lot less than the first time. Better yet, I was able to increase my capacity by using slightly more than two ounces and was even able to get to the nasal drainage point much faster.

I felt much better until I began blowing my nose. I expected some gross stuff to come out like the first time but this time things were oddly worse. They were more solid. If I gave birth to an alien baby the first time around, the second time it was the twin's full blown alien baby seed pod. Feeling like I had been implanted during the night, I horrifyingly inspected the expelled material. It was hard. Sure, it had a slimy exterior, but I could feel a solid mass within it. Like its twin from the day before, it quickly went down the drain.

Feeling better about my progress but violated by what came out, I cleaned myself up again and decided to even shave. After all, if the aliens thought I looked good enough on the inside to impregnate, I might as well look good on the outside in case they came back for more sexy-time that night. They didn't. Thankfully. Instead I had a normal night and slept like a baby. I was even content enough to snuggle with my wife, which she'll readily agree is quite rare.

In conclusion, where does this leave us? Is anal sex really that much like nasal irrigation? In a word, yes. At least to this virgin. So whether you're a man getting pegged by your wife or a wife getting do-me-in-the-butt-drunk before a night of ass play, taking shots in the nose isn't that much different. They both hurt the first time around but eventually become enjoyable. They should both be tried in the shower first to minimize cleanup. They should both be attempted gently at first before moving on to anything larger, faster, or harder. You won't get pregnant from anal sex and nasal irrigation prevents alien pregnancies. The salty fluids in both burn like hell but they both eventually come out in the end. Carnal knowledge of your body shouldn't be a bad thing so don't feel ashamed getting supplies for either activity at the local drug store.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Ball Gown Gloves

Felt super sluggish for the second half but I was happy to be able to breath not only in general but especially through my nose. Ahhh..... The run itself was fairly uneventful. Just down the hill, up the hill, and back again. The swamp looked in good shape but I'm still concerned about the damn bridge. Makes me nervous to run over (not to mention drive over it). You never realize how important a bridge is until you get an up close view of how raggedy the asphalt-on-wood is when you're on foot. Outside of that, pretty tame run.

Temps were about 55F with cloudy skies and a threat of rain. It rained this morning but didn't rain during the run. The roads were still wet though and it felt humid. There was also a slight breeze to cool things off a bit.

Fluids and Fuel:
Breakfast was yogurt, iced coffee, toast, and a breakfast burrito. During the run, right before lunch, I had a bottle of Hammer Fizz. Recovery was Hammer Soy mixed with water (it calls for milk but we had none) and some chips with guacamole.

Aches and Pains:
My shins really hurt when I finished. Guess that happens when you don't run for a month. My sinus infection also appears to have cleared up. ::knocks on wood::

Wore my T-Star shorts, a t-shirt, arm sleeves, gloves, and a hat. Also took my GoPro for photos. My arm sleeves eventually got rolled down to look like ball gown gloves.

Codename - Ball Gown Gloves
You read that right. I was nervous that passing drivers would think I'm wearing my wife's fancy gloves. Not that she has fancy gloves. But that's what I thought about. I also tried to get more selfies but my timing was off a bit.

Outbound - 14:45
Inbound - 16:16
Finish - 31:01

Podcast - Mile 51 - Running Wild Review

Yet another podcast where I do yet another book review. I know I'll have at least one more in the future so you'll just need to suffer through it. Or skip it.

This particular review is about Running Wild by John Annerino. Annerino spends several days in the Arizona desert climbing rocks and running canyons. The main idea of the book comes across as a guy that's had some bad crap happen to him (divorce and a busted ankle being the big ones) and he decides to go out and find himself. Along the lines of Ruess, McCandless, and countless others that have endured hardships and just want to get away, Annerino does a decent job of writing about his journey. Most of the action is around a couple of climbs and a few long runs with some little nuggets of wisdom and narcissism stuffed in.

Most impressive to me is his ability to run these long distances in the desert with barely any water and still survive. Maybe it's because I drink like a horse or maybe it's because I'm cautious but he did some crazy, stupid stuff. To consider running so far with so little is beyond my imagination. I suffered for two miles in the heat this summer and was extremely nervous.

Most entertaining to me was the correlation between Annerino in the early 1980s and some ultra runners of today. Elite runners that have crossed over from (or into) mountain climbing.

Anyway, here's the link to the Podbean episode or you can download directly here.

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Marcus the Carcass

Wide range of mental emotions during this run. Thankfully I toughed it out and things got better. The internal conversation went something like this:

Mile 0.5 - Oh God I'm going to die. I think I'll just run 30 minutes then turn around. I don't care if I make it to the end of the road.
Mile 1.0 - Oh God I'm really going to die. I think I'll just get to the bottom of the swamp and turn around. Screw this.
Mile 1.5 - Wow, I made it to the bottom of the swamp. Is that a dead deer in the water? Well, maybe I can run to the next little swamp and turn around.
Mile 2.0 - Whoa, I forgot to turn around back there. Hey, is that a cat? I wonder if it will attack me. Better start walking a bit to see if it runs away.
Mile 2.5 - Well shit, I might as well go to the end of the road since I'm almost there.
Mile 3.0 - Holy shit I'm going so fast down this hill. I wonder if I can keep up this pace all the way back to the bottom of the swamp?
Mile 4.5 - What the hell? I might be able to run a negative split if I bust my ass.
Mile 5.0 - Oh god I'm going to die. Out of breath. Must make it to the end with a negative split. Oh my lungs hurt.

Later in the shower I felt wiped but happy that I pulled a negative split. It's not all that common but it always makes me feel good. I'm hoping this gets my ass in gear and back on the training wagon. My upcoming races are entirely too soon.

Temps were about 50F. There was a breeze of about 15 mph that turned into a headwind over the last mile. The sun was out but there were also plenty of clouds out too.

Fluids and Fuel:
Breakfast was a burrito, yogurt, oatmeal, and iced coffee. Took a Hammer Gel before the run and drank a bottle of Hammer Fizz during the run. Recovery was a V8 Fusion thingie. Turns out the Strawberry Banana was pretty tasty. That was followed by some left over couscous and a salad. Woohoo! My #saladstreak continues.

Aches and Pains:
Aside from feeling like I was going to die out there, everything felt pretty good. Did have some chafing going on but I guess that happens when you wear shorts.

Wore my RUEZ underwear and some shorts. Shorts led to some chafing but nothing too major. Guess I'm not used to wearing real shorts. Wore a t-shirt under a long-sleeve pull over. Wore gloves but took them off around Mile 1.5. Wore a hat with a head band but the head band came off around Mile 1. Also took my GoPro for some pictures.

Codename - Marcus the Carcass
Almost like a Garbage Pail Kid, the deer carcasses were nothing new to see on the road but always disturbing. I fear that the hunters in the area leave their kills on the side of the road. Which makes no sense, especially when the hides, meat, and even the antlers are still with the body. And while a car vs. deer scenario is also highly likely, I find it hard to believe that a car or truck could strip the hide off a deer and leave it in a pile next to the empty ribcage. Grossed out yet? Wait until you see the pictures!

Outbound - 30:52
Inbound - 29:41
Finish - 1:00:34

Monday, January 07, 2013


Was aiming for 10 miles and came in a quarter mile shy. Not too bad. Was slower than expected but it was still a good run/walk. Saw about 5 deer, 2 turkeys, lots of birds, and some slippery moss.

What I left out of my original post on DailyMile was that I did some bushwhacking on my run yesterday. As I came off the beach, I noticed some oddly placed tree trunks on the ground. It looked too man-made to be natural tree fall so I did some heavy staring and studying. I knew it was on the slope leading up to a ridge that I had come down from shortly before but I wasn't sure if I could make it back to the trail if I went up the hill. So I ran back up to the top of the hill where I had planned on going back for more exploration. The park put in some new septic systems and pumps so I thought I'd go be nosy. Turns out that the access road that leads down the hill to the electrical systems for the pumps comes to a general end. At least for the gravel. The trees are cleared down to the bottom as I found out. And those trees on the ground in the man-made pattern were there for erosion control. Kind of reminded me of Donkey Kong. Anyway, I carefully made my way down the hill back to where I originally started to think about going off trail. No wild adventures like I feared and nothing too crazy like some other people I know but it sure as heck put a smile on my face.

If you looks closely at my shadow, it looks like I have horns:

Learning to get comfortable with selfies thanks to Lauren:

Really cool shadows in the morning:

I'm so strong, I knocked over this tree. Well, not really but the shadows on the roots look cool:

Stumping for attention:

Some bird porn for my mother:

One last selfie before I started to bushwhack:

Temps started around 35F but quickly warmed to about 45F. Sky was clear and the sun was out. There was a slight breeze but it was mostly down by the river. Some of the boardwalks had a smidge of frost on them.

Fluids and Fuel:
Breakfast was a bean burrito, yogurt, and iced coffee. During the run I had plain water in my hydration pack, a bottle of Hammer Fizz, a bottle of Hammer Perpeteum, and a Hammer Gel (taken at mile 5). Recovery was Hammer Recoverite and an iced coffee followed by leftovers for lunch.

Aches and Pains:
None really. Just tired.

Wore thermal top with long sleeve shirt over it. Wore a windbreaker for the first 2 miles. Wore pants over shorts. Wore hat and gloves. After 2 miles I ditched the hat for a light headband. Wore gaiters, my hydration pack, and sunglasses.

Codename - Moss
Turns out wet, partly frosty moss is slippery. And skid marks on said moss could mean it is slicker than it looks. Thankfully I put some fat on my ass over the holidays and was able to easily absorb the fall.

Too lazy to look them up.
Finish - 2:35:35

Podcast - Mile 50 - A Rough Start

I'm hesitant, very hesitant, to even post this particular episode but I'm going to do it anyway. I haven't listened to it and like all my other episodes, there's no editing or post-production. In other words, this is about as raw and uncut as you'll get.

Grab your tissues on Podbean or get them directly here.

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Night Runner Rant

As I drove to and from our local pizzeria last night, I spotted a runner out. This usually makes me feel pretty happy to see a peer out there getting their jog on. It makes me even happier when I see a runner on my turf. Despite this happy feeling I get most of the time, I also get a little upset when runners don't adhere to the rules of the road. Now, there are rules and laws that the state and local governments put out there for pedestrians but I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the common sense rules about running on the road.

Rule #1 - Run against traffic
This should be the first rule any runner learns when running on the road. Here in the US, we drive on the right, ride our bikes on the right, and run on the left. This is so that oncoming traffic can see you and you can see them. I've always done this and the only exception I make is when I'm running a race and I run the tangent. Outside of that, I'm on the far left side of the road.

Rule #2 - Be visible
This is where the night runner from last night pissed me off. He was moving along at a great clip and his form looked good. But his outfit was deadly. He wore all black. Black pants, black shirt, and black hat. He had all of three tiny reflective dots on him. I swear if those dots were on his hat he would have looked like a black deer. Completely suicidal. Compare this to the runner I saw the other day out for a run. He was running during the day and had on a florescent green long sleeve shirt and a brightly colored hat. I could very easily see him, even in the sunlight. When I run outside, I try to clash as much as possible. Not only do I try to clash with the environment I run in (bright colors) but I also try to clash with the colors I'm wearing (bright green with bright orange with bright yellow). I try to go by the motto: "If you can't see me running, then you're blind and shouldn't be driving." So even though it's a bit of a jerky thing to do, I will shine my headlamp in a driver's eyes just to make sure they can see me at night.

Rule #3 - Prepare to bail out
This is one of those things I learned when I learned how to drive. My father taught me to look for places to wreck the car should something unavoidable happen. Sounds goofy as all get-out but I've found that it works great when running on the road. I only use this when I see a car coming but all it means is to look for a semi-comfortable place to jump should the oncoming car decide to swerve in your direction. I have had to bail a few times but every time has been because of cars coming from both directions and they'd need to pass each other right where I'm running. In other words, the cars barely have enough room to pass each other so I damn well better get off the road. I've also used this once (the planning part, not the actual jumping part) when I had a driver slow way down just to watch me run. She creeped me out so I was actively looking for escape routes.

Rule #4 - Pay the fuck attention
I know, I know, so many of us go out for a run to lose ourselves and to get away from the stresses of life. We want to tune out and just float on the runner's high. But we can't. At least not too much. We need to keep a waking eye open for anything that may be a problem. When I run on the road, I usually ditch the headphones. This allows me to hear cars coming around a blind curve or even coming from behind. It also lets me hear barking dogs (and nails on pavement means the dog is chasing you too). I also wave to passing drivers. If they wave back, I know they're polite and they see me. If they don't wave, then I watch them close because they may not see me. Usually they just don't like runners and ignore me.

Rule #5 - Protect yourself
Usually this means just wearing what's appropriate for the weather outside. But it also means knowing where you're going and telling someone. Or running in a group. Or not running right at sunrise or sunset because of sun glare. Or wearing a headlamp during the day because you're running in the rain. It can also mean carrying a cell phone, pepper spray, or some other self defense tool.

How ever you boil it down, you need to be proactive and reactive when it comes to protecting yourself on the run. All of these rules (and many more tidbits of advice) can save your life. So don't be an idiot and run at night in all black. You aren't a fucking ninja.

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Red Eye 50k - DNF

I knew I wouldn't finish the full 50k today but I wanted to at least get out the door and get into the double digits. It was tough but I made it. Along the way I saw some old friends, some friendly runners, and learned some lessons.

Got up for the second day in a row mere seconds before my alarm went off. Guess my body is telling me it wants to get back to the routine. I showered and headed down the road to get some food and coffee. From there I shoved off and ended up making it to Prince William Forest Park (PWFP) about half an hour before I expected to. Which was fine as it gave me some time to go to the bathroom and tell Biddi that I was there early. We met up at the start line along with Nebs and waited for the announcements to finish.

We headed down the road and onto the trails and I was promptly lost. I recognized the start of the first leg and parts of the big loop but generally speaking, I was lost. Which leads me to the huge lesson I learned today. Take a fucking map. I can't believe I broke one of the cardinal rules of running (or just being outdoors in general). I paid for it since I had no idea where I was, where I was going, or how close I was to the finish. I knew going into the run that there was a short section to get things started then a big loop. The short section was a few miles and the big loop was about 10 miles. I planned for this with my fluids and generally speaking I knew I'd be okay on that front. But outside of that, there were a few sections where I had no idea what was coming. Towards the end, I began checking what maps I could see and trail markings I could find. It wasn't much but it helped. Oh, did I mention that I'm completely unfamiliar with PWFP? Yeah, there's that too.

Anyway, as I got back to the bouncy bridge, I knew I was close. This is where the loop started/ended but I still didn't know which way to go from here. The route markings were pretty sparse to begin with and I was okay with that but I was just looking for runners so I could either follow them or go where they were coming from.

Now, despite my stupidity, I was able to make it without getting lost. I never felt like I was in danger of getting lost or even needing to be rescued. There were plenty of people out, both runners and hikers, and I payed attention to where the roads were, cabins, etc. So even though I lost my brain and got lost in the woods, I was never really lost enough to be in danger. Guess the FSM was keeping an eye on me.

Anyway, as I was nearing the end, Nebs was heading out for another loop. I talked to Tab for a bit as I left (she was done too). Then it was back on the road to find some lunch and go home.

Temps were about 35F to 40F. Sky was overcast. No rain but there were a few drops on the way there. No wind.

Fluids and Fuel:
Breakfast was an unhealthy breakfast burrito and an iced latte. During the run I had my hydration pack filled with plain water and a bottle of Hammer Fizz. Recovery was a lunch of black bean soup and steak salad with iced tea.

Aches and Pains:
Felt fine, but sluggish, until about Mile 10 or so when my right hamstring cramped a bit. Nothing too bad and was likely caused by a lack of hydration and electrolytes. My ankles feel tight now but again, nothing too bad.

Wore shorts under pants and a thermal shirt under a short sleeve shirt. Wore a vest and gloves. Wore gaiters. Wore a winter hat then changed to a regular ball cap. Turns out the North Face ball cap is pretty damn warm. Ended up swapping back to my winter hat towards the end. Used my hydration pack and took my GoPro camera.

Codename - White Tail Trail
Thanks to the kind lady in front of me for stopping to use the bathroom. That's the most ass I've seen in 3 months.

Splits are from RunKeeper and may not be accurate.
Mile 1 - 11:05
Mile 2 - 11:42
Mile 3 - 13:00
Mile 4 - 14:42
Mile 5 - 12:37
Mile 6 - 16:49
Mile 7 - 13:33
Mile 8 - 14:12
Mile 9 - 14:07
Mile 10 - 17:13
Mile 11 - 17:29
Mile 12 - 17:11
Finish - 3:02:17