Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Fort Max Attic Insulation Installation Workout

After a two hour meeting at work, I went to work in the attic. Today's workout went something like this.

Go into the attic where you have low head-room and need to walk on sketchy plywood. Wear two layers of long-sleeve shirts, a hat, pants, gloves, and a mask. A BUFF is recommended as it is somewhat more comfortable to wear.

Now that you're in your gym, set the right vibe by dropping the temperature to anything under 50F, throwing some microscopic dust into the air, and adding a dash of itching powder (aka fiberglass insulation) to your clothes. Don't worry, you'll continue add more throughout the workout. Dim the lights by using work lights.

Begin the workout by crawling or crouch-walking to the other end of the attic. Once at the other end, move a 20 pound piece of plywood towards the eave. Repeat with another piece. Now place a smaller piece further in the eave. Open a bag of insulation. Be sure to add a dash of itching powder in the process. Move a single batt of insulation towards the eave. Now crawl towards the eave until you run out of room. Then do a push-up or downward dog to squeeze further into the eave. With the patented Gaffi Stick, push the batt all the way to the end of the eave. Then, while still in the prone position, use the Gaffi Stick to ensure the batt is installed correctly. Repeat the batt installation in the eave bay next to the first one.

Remove yourself from the prone position by doing a push-up back to the kneeling position. To improve results, on every fifth eave bay, instead of a push-up to the kneeling position, overextend yourself into the eave making a push-up impossible. This will force you to use your abdominal muscles to pull your body out of the eave, even though you are still in the prone position. For extra credit, you can occasionally come to a kneeling position too quickly and hit your head on the roofing nails above you.

Repeat the above steps approximately 50 times. Don't forget to add the dash of itching powder after opening every bundle of batts (every 11 pieces).

When not working in the eaves, installing the insulation is done on your hands and knees. When pushing it into the joist cavity, be sure to throw a giant handful of dryer lint dust and itching powder in your face. This will insure that everyone knows you've worked out today. After installing approximately 5 batts in the center of the attic, move four pieces of plywood forward to the next joist while in the kneeling position.

Now that the insulation is installed, you need to do some cleanup. This means manually removing the loose insulation. This is a fine particulate that is only going to allow you to move extremely slow or it activates like a temperamental bomb and explodes like Vesuvius leaving you coated in a layer of dust. While a shop vac should be used for the mortar near the chimney, it will fill too fast to make it worthwhile.

Congratulations! You've completed today's Attic Insulation Installation workout. As a cool down, go across the street to your neighbor's house and help them build a children's swing set for 30 minutes.

Temps were about 50F. No breeze. No sun. Just work lights.

Fluids and Fuel:
Too much cold-pressed strawberry lemonade made me want to puke, especially after all that ab work. Breakfast was two eggs, bacon, toast, and hash browns with coffee. Only a little juice during the workout. Recovery was two crappy sliders (mini-burgers), tater tots, Twix, and iced tea.

Aches and Pains:
Pretty much everything hurt.

Wore work pants, thermal top, long sleeve top, BUFF, hat, and gloves.

Today's Motivation:
My living room was cold this morning after sucking out the old insulation. And I need to get rid of my old deck soon. So I needed to insulate today. So I did.

Naughty Neil:
That burger was horrible. But I needed something quick. Maybe I should have aimed for a salad or wrap instead.

No splits but I did install about 80 batts (4 feet long each).

Oh, and I know I wrote the above workout as a joke and wanted it to sound funny, but that's everything I dealt with today. No brag, just fact.

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