Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Sex and Sinuses

A Comparison of Anal Sex and Nasal Irrigation

Caution: You read that right folks. Anal sex. Nasal irrigation. Lube. Snot. And more. If any of these things upset you or offend you, then you best leave now. I know I tend to post using some adult language and whatnot but today's post will go a bit beyond that.

My posts and workouts have been light over the past week due to yet another sinus infection. I get them on a semi-regular basis so I wasn't surprised when one flared up yet again last week. I fought through the first day when the symptoms weren't that bad. Usually in the first day or two I can fight the symptoms well enough to fend off a raging infection. I learned from a trip to an urgent care doctor awhile ago to use an NSAID to reduce inflammation, a nasal spray to clear things up, and to avoid dairy to reduce mucus generation. Since I've learned that, I've been able to keep a good 70% of my infections at bay. It may prolong the sinus blockages a few days but generally speaking it prevents most infections from grabbing hold of my sinuses.

Despite this great trick at early treatment and prevention, I still get a nice infection every now and then that just won't go away. That's how this one manifested and I was lucky enough to have some spare antibiotics on hand to treat the infection. Taking the antibiotics would treat the infection but I was still struggling to breath through my nose. Which meant I wasn't sleeping well. So after suffering through a few days of work, I decided to try out nasal irrigation.

I have considered nasal irrigation in the past by looking into Neti pots. Once I learned that you were literally giving yourself an enema of the face, I decided I wasn't too keen on having warm water go into my nose and snot come out of my mouth. Turns out I knew enough to scare me away but not enough to know how it actually works. When I did more research last week, I discovered I was wrong. Just like a virgin, I had no clue what was involved. Turns out the water goes in one nostril (that part I had right) and comes out the other nostril (I have no idea why I though it came out my mouth).

So Friday, again like a virgin, I stopped at the local drug store and purchased supplies. Unlike anal sex though, I didn't feel any shame in buying a sexy-time card for my wife and a nasal irrigation kit. I'm not sure if those months of therapy have helped, if the running has boosted my confidence, or if nose enemas are less taboo than enemas for your ass.

Saturday morning came about and I had yet another night of very little sleep. My antibiotics were kicking in and I felt better but still so clogged up that I felt like I'd never breath through my nose again. So I stepped into the bathroom and prepared myself. Little did I know that the adventure I was about to embark upon would lead me to not only clear sinuses but also a clear correlation between anal sex and sinus enemas.

Let me pause right here to set some boundaries. I know family reads this blog that that's fine. I wouldn't post this out here if I didn't want people to read it. And while I have pushed the envelope in the past and even crossed it a few times, I want to make it clear to those of you that have read this far that I will not be talking about my sex life. There are a few things that I refuse to speak about publicly and that's one of them. So from here on out, let's just assume I'm talking about anal sex in general. I may make references to giving or getting said sex but it's in a vague, third person way that I'm getting my point across. I'm not implying in any direction that what I'm talking about here involves myself or my wife. Hope that's clear enough.

Now, back to the bathroom. Like anal sex, I secluded myself in the bathroom and started preparing my tools. I had no idea what I was in for so I tried to take my time and lay things out. The last thing I wanted to do was have a mishap and come running out of the shower screaming for help. I opted for the first sinus flush to be in the shower because I didn't know how messy it would be. After I finished, I had visions of the anal sex scene from Zack and Miri Make a Porno.


Like I said before, little did I know what I was in for. So, once I got the little bottle thingie unboxed and my shower started, I again laid things out in the shower. For those curious for the specifics, I used a NeilMed SinuFlo ReadyRinse bottle. It has 8 ounces of fluid premixed in there and came with two little packets for the next round of flushing. On a side note, I picked the NeilMed bottle because it has my name in it. I mean, can't go wrong with that, right!

With butterflies in my stomach, I began to embark upon my first nasal experience. As I would expect an anal virgin to react, I totally tensed up and held my breath waiting for the unpleasant experience to begin. I put the massive black tip up to my tiny nostril and gently squeezed. Nothing came out. At first. Then it was a like I shoved a fire hose up my nose and turn it on full blast. Oh god the pain! I immediately stopped and caught my breath. The saline solution burned the fuck out of my nose and I knew I wasn't even close to doing it right. Nothing came out of my other nostril so I knew I was in for more pain and suffering. Even though I was ultimately hoping for relief.

As I wound up for the second attempt at nasal entry, I tried to relax a bit and even managed to remember to bend over a bit and tip my head. This was about the time I thought of the anal sex analogies. From here on out, they just kept rolling through my head. I never thought flushing my sinus cavities out would make me think I was fucking myself in the nose hole with a giant dildo squirting a salty solution. Oh yeah baby, let's dive in for more.

So as I bent over to take another shot, I also remembered the warning on the bottle to squeeze gently. So with an only slightly better technique, I managed to squirt more inside my nose. Just as I was about to scream in pain and stop, a dribble of solution came out my other side. I tried to hold it as long as I could but only managed another second or two before stopping. If you've ever gotten water in your nose from swimming at the pool, you know that chlorine burns. Same goes for beach swimmers, salt burns. Well, this hurt worse. When you go swimming, you don't set out to deliberately cram water in your nose. It happens by accident, you splutter for air, you blow the water out of your nose, and you continue with swimming. This hurts worse because it's self-inflicted up-your-nose-with-a-rubber-hose kind of treatment. Thankfully it wasn't up-your-butt-with-a-rubber-nut treatment.

I thought my painful first experience was over. I knew in the back of my mind I'd need to repeat the process on the other side but I had that painful, first time, cherry popped. And then I blew my nose. Oh the agony. Is this what it's like when you fart or shit after anal sex? Holy fuck blowing my nose hurt. And then the real shit hit the fan. The first few blows were clear mucus. Then the snot came. That yellow, green, junky crap that you spend all day blowing out into tissues while your nose turns red. Then came the mother-load. I'm talking the deep yellow, dark green shit that lodges in the deep recesses of your sinuses and shifts from side to side when you roll over in bed at night. I swear to you I gave birth to an alien baby right there in the shower. I damn near shit myself at how repulsive it was. I quickly washed it down the drain and hoped it didn't back the plumbing up.


After some more nasal clearing, I was able to catch my breath and begin prepping for the other side. Why do people call it nasal clearing? I guess to be polite when you really want to say you're blowing your nose. Anyway, I had so damn many nose blows in there I thought my wife would come check on me. Thankfully she didn't and I was able to get back to business. It was time to make it rain on the other side now. I again practiced a better technique and position and gently squeezed some salty goodness into the left side of my nose. Thankfully it came out the other side much quicker and I was able to blow my nose yet again. All the time being thankful we don't have two assholes to get fucked in because holy shit, one has got to be enough.

Once both nose holes had been cleared for the first time, I began to feel the burn. That salty mix started to react with the steam and heat and like a chemical reaction inside my head, I began to burn from the inside out. It was like adding salt to Dr. Pepper or Mentos to Diet Coke. Things didn't fizz inside but I knew this lingering burn would reside deep inside my nasal passages for the rest of the day. I'd end up walking around town with a funny look on my face knowing that I just did the nasty in the shower that morning and nobody knew. At least I wasn't walking funny or sitting gingerly.

As I collected myself and worked at getting my heart rate down, I glanced at the bottle. I was in shock to see that I had used barely an ounce of the fluid. Barely an once. And there were eight full ounces of this stuff to pump through my nose. So, I dived in and tried to make good on my promise to at least try it. I wanted to give it a good try before I said yes or no to continuing further. I knew I could block the pain and just focus on the ability to breath when I was done. I knew this would be good for me in the end but I just had to work through the rough start. So I squeezed again. And again. And again on the other side.

I was finally left spent, shaking, and out of breath on the shower floor. I couldn't take anymore up my nose. I was done for the day. I cleaned myself up, turned the water down a bit since I was sweating, and began to clean my bottle. I had used two ounces. Out of eight. I knew I could handle more but I knew I needed to get things stretched out a bit and used to the burn before I could step things up a level. It was then that I knew I'd want more. You see, an amazing thing happened. I could breath. Sure, it smelled a bit like the ocean and felt like I snorted salt. Shockingly, I've actually snorted salt (and pepper) before. So yes, I know what that's like and yes, that's what it felt like. The bottom line though was I could breath. Clearly. Unobstructed. Like the scene above, I was cleaned out.

Since I was clean on the inside, I cleaned myself on the outside. I didn't want any mucus to hang around and contaminate things later in the day. Nor did I want any of that salty solution to hang around and make my hands smell like I did the naughty in the shower. After showering and getting dressed, I felt much better. Like taking a huge dump, I felt like I lost ten pounds. I felt refreshed. I could still feel the burn a bit at certain points during the day but I was glad I was able to give my first time a solid attempt. And I was surprised that I was willing to try it again.

Which brings me to the following morning where I'm again in the shower getting geared up to shoot a load into my nose. Like yesterday there was pain involved but I knew what to expect and was better able to handle it. While I wasn't a porn-star pro at taking it in the nose, I at least felt more comfortable in the process. Things felt easier and both my mind and body were better prepared for the experience. I won't say I enjoyed it but I hated it a lot less than the first time. Better yet, I was able to increase my capacity by using slightly more than two ounces and was even able to get to the nasal drainage point much faster.

I felt much better until I began blowing my nose. I expected some gross stuff to come out like the first time but this time things were oddly worse. They were more solid. If I gave birth to an alien baby the first time around, the second time it was the twin's full blown alien baby seed pod. Feeling like I had been implanted during the night, I horrifyingly inspected the expelled material. It was hard. Sure, it had a slimy exterior, but I could feel a solid mass within it. Like its twin from the day before, it quickly went down the drain.

Feeling better about my progress but violated by what came out, I cleaned myself up again and decided to even shave. After all, if the aliens thought I looked good enough on the inside to impregnate, I might as well look good on the outside in case they came back for more sexy-time that night. They didn't. Thankfully. Instead I had a normal night and slept like a baby. I was even content enough to snuggle with my wife, which she'll readily agree is quite rare.

In conclusion, where does this leave us? Is anal sex really that much like nasal irrigation? In a word, yes. At least to this virgin. So whether you're a man getting pegged by your wife or a wife getting do-me-in-the-butt-drunk before a night of ass play, taking shots in the nose isn't that much different. They both hurt the first time around but eventually become enjoyable. They should both be tried in the shower first to minimize cleanup. They should both be attempted gently at first before moving on to anything larger, faster, or harder. You won't get pregnant from anal sex and nasal irrigation prevents alien pregnancies. The salty fluids in both burn like hell but they both eventually come out in the end. Carnal knowledge of your body shouldn't be a bad thing so don't feel ashamed getting supplies for either activity at the local drug store.

3 comments:

John Zeleznik said...

There was this super hot girl that ate lunch the same period as me and my friends. She had an unbelievable body, the tightest ass...just a f**king brickhouse...and had the biggest nose I ever saw! I will always and forever remember my buddy Dan announcing one day, "I have never, ever wanted to stick my dick into a nose the way I do now." And thus was born the immortal "nasal sex," therefore combining almost every aspect of your post. (Drops mic, walks off stage.)

Neil Richard said...

I'm sure she got a nose job at some point in her life. If ya know what I mean.

New World Newbie said...

That's standard practice in France. Even for kids. We did it to both our kids. Same for the nasal cleaning.