Blatantly stolen from Erik Scott de Bie's blog:
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change, and change is coming, my friends!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken was a maverick. Why did he cross the road? Because that's what mavericks do--they stand up to their own side and sometimes they cross over to the other side . . . but not really.
JOE BIDEN: To get away from the sidekick of the failed economic policies of the last eight years.
SARAH PALIN: He wanted to get back to the *real America,* over on the other side. Hey, no, that's not what I meant--you and your gosh-darned "gotcha" journalism!
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road . . . and tried unsuccessfully to see that every other chicken in our great country gets equal road-crossing coverage. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me--this is about what's best for all our chickens.
JOE THE PLUMBER: Sounds like socialism to me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: Wuh?
KARL ROVE: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. (Also--the chicken might be a lesbian. Just sayin'.)
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. No--no sir, the international intelligence community *assures* me that that's what it is.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it, until facts or political expediency demand otherwise.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
RUDI GIULIANI: Nine-Eleven!!!
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens . . . unless he just made up that story about crossing the road. In which case F*** that.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. More on this situation as it develops.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
J.K. ROWLING: He was imperiused.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it "the other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
SOCRATES: I don't know this--I don't know anything!
DESCARTE: I cross therefore I am.
NIETZSCHE: The chicken is dead.
RANDOM 9-YEAR-OLD GIRL: Mommy said not to talk to strangers.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: It's all relative: did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
OZZY: Because I was, like, bitin' heads off his mates, right? F***in' Prince of F***in' Darkness, I am.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world . . . crossin' roads in peace. Yoo-hoo, hoo-wu-woo . . .
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, balance your checkbook, and *not* email your financial information to Microsoft. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.
STEVE JOBS: [snerk]
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?