7 Things You Need To Know About Barbers

As inspired by Paul's comic yesterday, here are “7 Things You Need To Know About Barbers.”

First, never say your haircut looks bad when they ask. After all, they are holding scissors or some other sharp object that can easily be thrust into your jugular.

Second, if a barber asks what guard number you prefer, he (or she) is NOT a barber in the truest sense of the word. A real barber will know what to use when you ask for a “long crew” or a “flat top.” Most even know what you mean when you ask for “handlebars” or “fenders.”

Third, I hate to be sexist, but I’ve never met a female barber. I’ve met some that pretended fairly well, but they wouldn’t know the difference between a straight razor and a Gillette Mach 3.

Fourth, a straight razor across the back of your neck is right behind sex and chocolate as one of the best feelings you’ll ever experience. Assuming of course that the individual using it is qualified. Otherwise you’re better off with that damn Gillette.

Fifth, a good barber will know when to speak and when to shut the hell up. My old barber would make some small talk but knew when to keep his trap shut. If I didn’t speak, neither did he. My current barber speaks too much. And it’s because of his open mouth policy that I’ve learned he’s rather bigoted and possible racist. And to top it off, he’s a Republican. Maybe I should cut my own hair.

Sixth, to even out the “sharp object” ratio, I simply carry my gun when I get my hair cut. Now I can say he missed a spot without fearing for my blood spilling on the floor.

Seventh, a good barber will provide you porn and coffee. Not being a coffee drinker, only half of this is important to me. But what’s odder still, my old barber (who has been cutting my hair and my father’s for 20+ years) must still see me as a child because he only gives his copies of Playboy to my Dad.

And the scary part about all this? I came up with these 7 things off the top of my head. Maybe I should do some work today, no?