Taped Confessions

Chapter 1

Summer 1997

The definition of a self induced heart attack: driving between a five-foot “Jersey” barrier and a tractor-trailer pulling two trailers, in the rain, in a construction zone with narrowed lanes

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Penthouse.  Playboy.  Amateur Hour.  Juggs.  Cheri.  Chic.  Mayfair.  Rustler.  Orient Tails.  Small Tops.  Genesis.  Gallery.  Paradise.  Hustler.  Nugget.  D-Cups.  Over 40.  Leg Tease.  Knave.  Derriere.

I flash to pass, and drop it a gear.  I hit the gas, and kick it in the rear.  I have no will, I have no fear.  My name ain’t Bill, and I hit a deer.

Silver Fierro.  Lic #:  ZF?-2998.  Teal Green pick-up truck, low rider.  Lic #: Z??-????.

I’ve never seen a movie at a drive-in theater.  I’ve got the subterranean blues because I’ve never seen a movie at a drive-in theater.  I’ve been to a drive-in theater and seen lots of movies there, just not at the drive-in, drive-in part.

We got AC, we got heat.  That’s where I wanna be is on my beat.  Polished shoes and a big black belt.  When I arrest you, you’re gonna be felt.  Four guns and four knives, above your buns and strapped to your thighs.

You can’t be over booked, just under read.  Don’t ruin an apology, with an excuse.  The best thing about saying nothing is that it can’t be repeated.

Lic #: JKI-120.

Horn broken, watch for finger.  Sometimes I wake up Grumpy.  Sometimes I let him sleep in.  I brake for no apparent reason.

My grandfather had a face that was bright red.  But he had a pale white forehead.

King George, that’s where I was educated.  King George, that’s where I graduated.  King George, that’s where I grew up.  King George, that’s where I went out.  King George, that’s where threw up.  King George, that’s where I flipped out.  King George, it’s in Virginia.  King George, they said “I never knew you had it in you.”

When I was a kid, we always went to town.  We went to see a movie in Fredericksburg.  We went shopping every weekend in Freddyburg.  Every Saturday and Sunday we went to Freddytown.  We spent every weekend in F’burg.

When I was a kid, I’d get up in the morning and watch cartoons.  When I was a kid, I’d watch the Three Stooges, they came on at noon.  The Gummi Bears, the Smurfs, the Three Stooges.  Alvin and the Chipmunks, Camp Candy, the Penpals.  For many years I went to the ABC Preschool.  Run by Mr. and Mrs. Amex, who were very nice and very cool.  When I was a kid, I went to the babysitter and watched cartoons.  When I was a kid, I’d wait for that big yellow bus that came all too soon.  At the Musselmans, I’d watch the Thundercats and G. I. Joe.  There were many of us that waited there, until we had to go.  It was great, I was having the time of my life.  I never had thoughts of kids, let alone a wife.  These memories all come rushing back.  Sometimes it feels like a heart attack.  How I miss the days of my childhood, even though I never had friends in the neighborhood.  I remember staying up late and watching V.  I remember instant Kool-Aid and instant ice-tea.  I don’t remember a lot from Potomac Elementary School.  But I do remember a few teachers who were very, very cool.  Mrs. Colley, Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Horton.  I remember Mrs. Colley, she read us books.  I remember Mrs. Brown, she gave us congratulating looks.  Mrs. Horton, she taught gym class.  And I must admit she had a nice ass.  Some of my teachers had no thoughts of marriage, especially that beautiful Ms. Rapcavage.

Chapter 2

Tuesday June 3, 1997


Tomorrow is Wednesday.  Plan is, get up early.  Go to Service Merchandise.  Change the light bulbs, as asked by Mr. Howdyshell, and after that possibly go see a movie.  Gone Fishin’ starts at 1025.  After the movie, or instead of the movie, go look for cars.  Make sure you wear nice clothes, combat boots, khakis, maybe bring an extra shirt to change into, maybe your blazer.  After looking at cars, or before, after, whatever, go to the Credit Union.  Make sure you bring your check book.  Transfer money into your checking account in Pennsylvania.  If not possible to transfer money, withdraw $100 to deposit through a MAC machine somewhere.  And, after a week, write a check for two things.  The first the R. A. Salvatore Fan Club and the second the Gould law books.  Also write, or put together poetry for the contest.  Clean your bedroom.  Empty the closet, clean it, rearrange it.  Clean inside the windows.  Then clean the bathroom.  And, if time allows, clean the hallway.  Don’t forget to write letters to Yvonne, to Uncle George and Aunt Wilma, possibly to Uncle Randy, and maybe Uncle Harold.  Try to call this weekend Jeff, and maybe Dave.  Tonight after work I think I set an all-time record for the highest, er, sorry, the lowest number of lights to be stopped by.  I was stopped by the first light, Route 3 and Bragg Road and the second light on Route 3 that goes to the Mall.  The following one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, the following seven lights did not stop me.  Only two out of nine.  Not too bad.

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Chapter 3

June 6, 1997

Words of wisdom for today.  Do nothing, avoid criticism.

How to properly leave Service Merchandise in Fredericksburg to go to King George.  One.  Leave the Service Merchandise parking lot and get on Bragg Road.  Get into the left hand turn lane.  There are two turn lanes, be sure to get into the left.  Turn left at the light.  You will be on Plank Road in the left hand lane.  Remain in the left hand lane.  The closer you are to the starting line the better.  You will go through a light, the one that runs the road between the Mall and the Ten Cinemas.  You will go through a second light that turns into Central Park.  Remember you should still be in the left lane.  You should be crossing Interstate 95.  Try to maintain a speed between 45 and 50 miles per hour.  You will come to another light with Racetrac on the left and Carlos O’Kelleys on the right.  Immediately thereafter is another stoplight.  Aamco on the right, 7-Eleven and KFC on the left.  If you’re not up to 45-50 miles per hour by the Carlos O’Kelleys light you will more than likely the next light will be red when you hit it.  Your next light will have the Westwood Shopping Center on your left and the Greenbriar Shopping Center on your right.  You’re still in the left lane.  Your next stoplight will have Popeye’s on the left and a cemetery on the right.  And the following light is Westmont Road.  Still stay in the left lane.  Shortly thereafter, you will go under Route 1.  Your next light will be William Street.  Careful, the road is kind of curvy.  Still maintain a speed of 45 to 50 miles per hour.  You should be on the Blue-Grey Parkway.  Remain in the left lane.  The next light will be Lafayette Boulevard.  Continue straight.  The following light will have an industrial business on the left.  Continue straight in the left lane.  You will cross over a road that runs to either Bowling Green or to downtown Fredericksburg.  After you cross over start looking for a hole in traffic between cars.  There will be an on ramp to your right.  After you pass it and you find your hole, turn into the right lane and you should be crossing the Rappahannock River.  On the other side of the river, you will want to be in the right lane so you can turn right.  If you catch it right, you will come around the curve and the light will be green and you will be able to go into Route 3 immediately with no on-coming traffic.  Sometimes you are not so lucky.  So always be wary and look for a hole in traffic.  As you come on to Route 3 east, set your cruise for approximately 60 to 63 miles per hour.  After you get on Route 3 east, you can get into the right lane and travel at your leisure to King George.  There are a few spots on Route 3 between Fredericksburg and King George that you will need to be wary of troopers, State Police, or local police, because they like to set up speed traps.  These will be pointed out in due time as we come across them.  After passing the Renaissance Faire on your left you will go around a few curves and as you crest a hill you will notice bright flashing lights on a smokestack in front of you in the distance.  That smokestack is the new King George dump.  As you cross the straightaway you will notice the pavement turns very dark.  Be wary because you will begin going down a hill and on your left is a turn where cops like to sit.  At the bottom of the hill is the King George County line.  A few miles later you will notice a horse, a large horse on your left.  It is a quarter horse farm.  As soon as you notice the horse be wary of your speed because as you round the curve and get to the bottom of the there is a turn-around that the local police tend to favor.  Shortly after that turn-around you will notice a large bend to the left.  After crossing the bridge over the creek there is yet another turn-around that is also favored by the police.  As you pass Pern’s Market on the left and crest the hill the straightaway in front of you is the final stretch on Route 3.  You will soon be entering a 45 mile-an-hour zone, so it is advised to decrease your speed to 45 or 50 miles an hour.  You will want to be in the left lane to turn at the Fas’ Mart onto 206.  After you turn onto 206 you are still in a 45 mile-per-hour zone.  They do have a tendency to patrol it rather well. You have about a mile stretch in this zone.  It goes from Route 3 and the high school to just past the middle school.  Once past the middle school you can begin to increase your speed and it might be advisable to turn on your brights.  After you enter the 55 mile-an-hour zone, you are free to increase your speed up to a maximum of 60 miles-an-hour.  On this 3 mile stretch from Route 3 to 611, be wary of deer.  This is a semi-rural area and several of the wooded areas do have a deer population.  There is a straightaway after Dutch’s Mart that ends in a curve to the right.  After this curve is a short straightaway and shortly thereafter is 611 on your right-hand side.  You will turn right and make the first left onto Poplar Drive.  You will make a right onto Hickory Drive the first available street and continue straight for a short period of time.  The road curves to the left and then turns into a Y.  You will bear right at the Y and turn left in the first driveway after the pool.

Chapter 4

June 7, 1997

If age is a number then mine is unlisted.

I can think and I can do but not at the same time.

Chapter 5

June 10, 1997

Can you smell the pesticide in the air?
Can you taste the pesticide in your drink?
Can you feel the pesticide in my hair?
Can you see the pesticide in my gear?

Chapter 6

June 16, 1997


I just finished my first day on the job at Burns International Security at Mary Washington Hospital.  I must say I am very happy.  Everything I experienced and learned I was very pleased about.  There are a lot of nice people that I will be working with, at least that I’ve met so far.  The only things that I know of that I might have trouble with are the morgue, with the dead bodies, the ER, with all the trauma, and learning where everything is in the hospital.  Now as far as the dead bodies, I might be able to get used to it.  I think it would be easier to get used to than the trauma in the ER.  Now I was told that I will be working ER which I guess is going to be okay.  I’m going to have to learn someday.  I think it will be educational and I will learn how to deal with trauma.  I might have some nightmares, but that’s okay.  My last problem, as far as learning where everything is in the hospital, I think that will be the easiest to deal with.  It will take a little bit of time and a little bit of effort but I’m sure I will learn.  I started my shift today at 0800 hours.  It was a tour, so to speak, in the courtesy van.  We run a basic patrol route.  When you first get in the van you record the mileage, you note it along with how much fuel is in the car along with your name, etc.  You also note how many empty spaces are in each of the lots at certain times of the day.  You also record how many visitors and/or employees you shuttle, where you picked them up, where you dropped them, the time, etc.  We do hand out parking tickets.  We don’t in Lot C where they park on the curb.  We used to and we might begin doing that again.  While driving the shuttle we’re responsible for parking tickets, cars with the keys locked in them, we don’t do power locks on cars, we don’t change flat tires but we do have a portable air pump, we do jump starts.  On the jump starts and on unlocking cars we have them sign a waiver.  I presume we also do on flat tires.  We also run our patrol route.  We also count empty spaces at certain times.  And we also direct traffic when a helicopter comes in.  When a helicopter lands, we’re to be at the helo pad early, to direct traffic.  If the helicopter waits, we wait.  If the pilot turns off the rotors, we return to our patrol.  And when he starts up the rotors again, we go back and direct traffic.  That is about the extent of our responsibilities on the shuttle patrol.  Now when we’re inside, we basically go around, walk a few floors, respond to calls.  We do not unlock dialysis.  We do not unlock the AV equipment room, and the learning center.  There’s a few other offices that we do not unlock.  I learned about a mercury clean up kit, where the Haz Mat closet is and the Mas Cas, which is Mass Casualties.  And a few of the basic situations that we might have to deal with.  Other than that everything went fine.  My first patrol was with Stewart.  I believe John Stewart, tall thin guy, going into the Air Force in October.  Rodriguez was also in, but I didn’t patrol with him.  He was a new hire, same time as me.  I was also with Charles, I forget his last name.  He’s a sergeant and I believe he was also the shift supervisor at the time.  The cameras and the communications are handled separately by the hospital.  On the walkie-talkies, you refer to yourself by number.  Security 1 is Major Hitt, Security 2 is usually the supervisor.  Security 3 and Security 4 I believe are usually the shuttle runners.  Monday, Wednesday, Friday.  Tuesday and Thursday Security 3 and the Supervisor switch off and on.  Security 5 I believe is ER as I believe Security 6 is.  Today I found out at 12 when I went off duty I was Security 7.  But that’s okay.  I was not given a walkie-talkie and I won’t have my photo ID in until the first of July.  So I can’t use any cipher lock.  And that’s it for now.

Chapter 7

June 19, 1997


Well, I had an odd dream last night.  I don’t remember it all.  Surprise, surprise.  But, I do remember part of it was, I was going out with Yvonne and I guess I met another girl and I wanted to go out with her too.  And I told them both that I wanted to go out with both of them and they pretty much agreed and then I guess the brother of the other girl wanted me to do something kind of weird.  Him and his friends did and I didn’t want to so I said no.  He tried to force me and then I think I beat them all up.  Now from there, my dream went to a Wal-Mart, an old Wal-Mart that was being emptied out.  Security was done by Spetco or Septco or something.  And, I walked around and I didn’t really see what I was looking for so I started to leave.  And as I was leaving I walked by two good looking girls and one of them put a little sticker on my shirt which was hanging low right over my grown.  I peeled off the little sticker, it was a white sticker with 4 written on it in black, sort of like an inspection sticker.  And I turned around to look at the girl that did it and she kind of kept walking then turned around really quick to glance to see if I was looking or just to look at me.  And I made eye contact and she appeared to be kind of embarrassed.  And after that I left the store.

I also remember dreaming about Holly South from high school.  She was in there somewhere.  I think she was in the store.  Anyway, I left the store, the Wal-Mart that was being torn down and I was walking along the road and I saw a car that had lost its left rear tire.  Like the whole tire like it broke off at the axle.  So, I kind of ignored it and continued to walk and I guess I recognized who it was or asked to help or something and the person behind that car was stopped to help them.  It was a girl, I remember that.  Both drivers were girls.  And the girl that lost her tire said sure she’d appreciate the help.  She said she was worried though, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and somebody else were in the car that I guess she hit.  And I believe it was Tom Cruise that got glass on his face and it cut his face and she was worried because he supposedly had a contract to make a movie where he was supposed to have a perfectly smooth face.  I don’t know.  Confusing.  That’s it for now.

Chapter 8

June 26, 1997

Hi, I’m Doogie.  I work with Selleck, Tammy Faye, and Ridalin Rodriguez, and Forrest.  They say I’m the best out of the new hires.  There’s four of them.  Me, Doogie, Ridalin Rodriguez, Tammy Faye herself, and some other guy that quit.  Now, I’ve had two people tell me this.  The first person told me and I was kind of polite and nodded my head and said yeah okay thanks.  Then the second person told me yesterday and I was like holy shit maybe I am good.  I don’t know.  So anyway, at least some of them appear to like me which pretty cool.  Now I can’t forget my boss, Dickie, and one of the first guys I met, Flyboy.  We appear to be having a pretty good storm.  I heard the thunder, got outside and closed my car just in time before it started to rain.  Now it’s fucking pouring down.  Like holy shit man.  Now my problem is I got to find something to read.  I would be working on my computer but I don’t know with all this lightning and shit.  Kind of makes me nervous.  I done read just about everything I can think of.  I even resorted to some old books, older than my own Dad.  Now I started out with Peter Cotterell’s Treasure.  I finished that in a couple of days.  Not too bad.  It was in like 1920s I think it was written.  Then I started in on Tom Slade Boy Scout.  Written in early 1900s, like the first decade.  And I finished that one today and I’ll be damned I don’t know what else to read.  I’m out here looking at the N. C. Wythe books and shit, Drums wasn’t good.  Deerslayer, Last of the Mohicans, yeah that’s nice, who cares.  Robin Hood, I think I already read that one.  Robinson Crusoe, I read that a couple of times.  White Company, I already read it.  Westward Ho! nah, doesn’t sound good.  The Boy’s King Arthur, I think I read that one.  Sword in the Stone, I tried couldn’t get into it.  Scottish Chiefs, read that.  Yearling, nah saw the movie.  Black Arrow, read that one.  David Balfour, I think I read that one.  Kidnapped, saw the movie.  Treasure Island, saw the movie.  Mysterious Island, read that.  The Arabian Knights, no thanks.  So that leaves me with nothing to read.


I have some ideas on license plates.  If I get a sport utility vehicle, the license plate is going to be WAR WGN.  Now if I get a car, it’s going to be TK-421.  Other than that I can’t think of nothing good.

Chapter 9

June 27, 1997

Hello.  My name is Neil Richard.  And I am the director of this movie.  I would just like to say that this movie is very apocalyptic because that’s what I believe in.  I believe if we do not take care of this world the world will take care of us but we won’t like it.  There was once a man, graduated from my fiancé’s high school, the mascot is the Titans, team colors are blue and gold.  You know who you are, fly man.  Anyway this great man played a character and his character said that nature will find a way and I believe that nature is finding a way now.  We’ve settled this planet and we’ve harnessed some of the power, converted it to our use.  Some is good, some is bad.  I think we were doing okay for a while.  And then I think we got a little greedy and the earth’s population grew too much and it was just too much for Mother Nature.  She started to fight back so when I was younger I came up with a saying and I hope you’ll remember it when ever you see thunderstorm, tornado, earthquake, flood, volcano, fire, anything.  Don’t fuck with Mother Nature, or else she’ll fuck you.  I hope you enjoy the movie and I hope you learn.

Chapter 10

June 28, 1997

I dig swine.
I dig swine.
Oh, I dig swine.
I like bacon,
And I love pork chops.
I like steak and
I hate the smell of hops.
Pigs might be filthy animals but they’re pretty damn smart.
They might eat their own shit but they’re pretty damn smart.
They might have no character but they’re still fuckin’ smart.
I dig swine.
I dig swine.
I dig swine.
I like pork chops.
I like pig’s meat
I like cops.
I hate pig’s feet.


On your first CD have a label that says this CD does not contain a hidden track.  And in really fine print say that in fact it has three hidden tracks.  Have one after track 3, the second one after track 6, and the third will be track 9, but it will only be accessible by PC.  After you install it on a PC.  The only way you can get to it is to install it.  After you install it you get a screen that says congratulations, you discovered our hidden track.  The person says here it is and the screen fades into a full screen display of a high school track, King George would be good.  And then you would say, does anything come to mind, any particular words like sucker, and have that come up on the screen, or naive, and have that come up on the screen, in the middle of the track of course.    Then after you say naive, you would say too much Evian water.  Then have the word naive go up against a mirror or something, and have it spell out Evian, or you could have naive spelled out, then move the letters one by one so it would spell out Evian.

Chapter 11

June 29, 1997

Chapter 12

June 30, 1997

I kind of over slept this morning.  I was almost late for work.  I did have enough time to get ready and leave by seven o’clock.  So I could start my shift at eight.  But I didn’t wake up until 6:39 when Dad knocked on the door and made sure I was up.  God bless him.  Apparently I woke up at 5:45 when my alarm went off, rolled over turned off the alarm, and went back to sleep.  It happens every now and then.  So we’ll just let it go and hope the rest of my day isn’t too bad.  I think another part of the problem was I had a weird dream this morning.  I don’t really remember it all, but I think I’ve had the dream before.  I was in a building.  I don’t know if it was a hospital or a college.  I think it was supposed to be a college.  Yeah it was, it was.  Now in this college, there was several floors and at least two wings.  Now I remember being in uniform, security guard uniform, and I left my room, I believe, and went to the girls wing.  I don’t quite remember why but I did.  And I remember having this feeling that what I was doing wasn’t exactly right but I knew nobody would stop my because I was in my Burns uniform.  Now as I was walking around I got over to the girls wing and I walked over there.  I like walked the loop.  It was like a square.  And I walked around the square.  And I came around to the main desks on the floor and there’s a bunch of people there and of to the side in the little lobby area there’s a bunch of tables.  There’s a bunch of people sitting at these tables.  I wasn’t sure what these people were doing so I kind of sat down next to them to figure out what they were doing.  Well it turns out some of them were learning how to use a projector and the lady came up to me and gave this little hand out and shortly there after she quizzed me on how to put the videos in order.  And I had no idea.  So I kind of tried to play stupid.  And that was about where my dream ended.

Now I also remember a part I do believe I was on the girl’s wing and I was walking along and I stopped to look out a window and it was a big glass window like at the hospital.  I look out and I see outside the little green mini-van that we drive at the hospital.  It’s in this little turn-around out front or between us and another building or between us and another wing.  I don’t know.  Now, I look out and there’s the little green mini-van and driving it is Mr. Wilbur Tate, a security guard I work with.  Now it must have been cold out because he was wearing a white headband around his ears, like ear warmers.  Everybody else outside was all bundled up.  So that’s about all I remember about my dream.

Also on a side note, I did a little bit of research and I found out that Benjamin Volante, also known as “Stinky” at the hospital.  I work with him.  He’s a security guard there.  He graduated in 1991 from King George High School.  Scary huh?

Chapter 13

July 5, 1997